Boundaries vs. Limits: Terry Real's Framework for Protecting Yourself Without Controlling Others

One of the most misunderstood concepts in contemporary therapy culture is boundaries. Everyone talks about them, books are written about them, social media is full of boundary-setting advice. But much of what gets called "boundary-setting" is actually something else entirely—and the confusion causes real problems in relationships.

Terry Real, the renowned relational therapist, makes a crucial distinction that clarifies everything: the difference between boundaries and limits. Understanding this difference might be one of the most important relationship skills you can develop.

The Core Distinction

A boundary is about what you will or won't do. It's about your own behaviour, your own choices, your own response. You have complete control over it because it only involves you.

A limit is about what you will or won't tolerate from someone else. It's about their behaviour and what consequences you'll enforce if they cross a line. You don't have control over their behaviour—only over your response to it.

Here's why this distinction matters: Boundaries are collaborative and connection-preserving. Limits are protective and connection-limiting (at least temporarily). Boundaries work best when used most of the time. Limits are for when boundaries haven't worked or when behavior is genuinely harmful.

Most people use the word "boundary" when they actually mean "limit," and this confusion creates problems. When you say "My boundary is that you can't speak to me that way," you're actually trying to control the other person's behaviour—that's a limit, not a boundary. A boundary would be: "When you speak to me that way, I'm going to leave the room until we can talk respectfully."

Why the Distinction Matters

The confusion between boundaries and limits has consequences:

It makes boundaries feel controlling: When you frame limits as boundaries ("My boundary is that you need to text me when you'll be late"), the other person experiences you trying to control their behaviour. This creates resistance and resentment, even when your need is legitimate.

It makes you feel powerless: If you think boundaries are about changing others' behaviour, you're constantly waiting for them to comply. When they don't, you feel violated and helpless, when actually you haven't deployed your real power—which is your own response.

It damages relationships unnecessarily: Real limits (consequences) should be reserved for truly problematic behaviour. When you jump straight to limits ("If you do that again, I'm leaving"), you escalate conflicts that might have been resolved through boundaries (expressing your needs and choosing your own response).

It prevents skill development: Both you and your partner need to develop different skills. Boundaries require you to know and state what you need. Limits require you to follow through with consequences. If you conflate them, you don't develop either skill well.

Let's look at specific examples to make this concrete.

Boundaries in Practice

Boundaries are about managing yourself in relationship. They're what you will or won't do, how you'll engage, what you're available for. They preserve connection while honoring your needs.

Example 1: Emotional Availability

Not a boundary: "My boundary is that you can't dump all your problems on me."

Actual boundary: "I want to support you, and I have about 20 minutes right now before I need to shift focus. Can we schedule a longer conversation tomorrow evening?"

Notice: You're not controlling what they share. You're specifying your availability and offering an alternative. You're managing your own capacity while staying in connection.

Example 2: Communication Style

Not a boundary: "My boundary is that you need to stop yelling."

Actual boundary: "When voices get raised, I'm going to pause the conversation. I want to hear you, and I need us both to be calm to do that. I'll come back in 15 minutes."

Notice: You're not controlling their volume. You're choosing your response. You're clear about what you need (calm conversation) and what you'll do (pause and return) to create those conditions.

Example 3: Time and Energy

Not a boundary: "My boundary is that you have to help with housework."

Actual boundary: "I'm available to do the dishes tonight or plan meals for the week, not both. Which would be more helpful for you to take?"

Notice: You're not demanding they do something. You're being clear about your capacity and inviting collaboration. You're managing your own time and energy.

Example 4: Physical Space

Not a boundary: "My boundary is that you can't come into my office while I'm working."

Actual boundary: "I'm available for interruptions between 3-4pm, and otherwise I'll be working with the door closed. If something urgent comes up, text me and I'll respond within 30 minutes."

Notice: You're specifying when you're available, not controlling their movement. You're creating structure around your accessibility.

Developing Strong Boundaries

Creating effective boundaries requires several skills:

1. Know What You Actually Need

Many people struggle with boundaries because they don't know what they need. Practice asking yourself: "What would feel sustainable for me here? What would allow me to stay engaged without resentment?" Not what's "fair" or what they "should" do—what do you actually need?

Practice: Throughout the day, notice when you feel stretched or resentful. That's information that a boundary might be needed. Get specific: "I need quiet time when I first get home" or "I need to finish my own tasks before taking on others' requests."

2. State Boundaries Clearly and Early

Don't wait until you're resentful to set boundaries. State them when you first notice the need, in a matter-of-fact tone. Boundaries aren't punishments; they're information about how you function best.

Template: "I [your availability/capacity/need]. I [what you'll do to honour that]. [Optional: invitation to collaborate]."

Examples:

• "I'm pretty depleted tonight. I'm going to read in bed after dinner instead of watching TV together. Want to plan a movie night this weekend?"

• "I notice I'm getting resentful about phone calls during work. I'm going to start letting calls go to voicemail and returning them during lunch. If there's an emergency, text me 'urgent' and I'll call right back."

3. Boundaries Are Negotiable

Unlike limits, boundaries can often be adjusted through conversation. You're not issuing ultimatums; you're stating needs and inviting collaboration. Be open to finding creative solutions that work for both of you.

Example dialogue:

• You: "I need to not discuss work stuff after 8pm so I can wind down. I'm going to shift conversations to other topics after that time."

• Partner: "But that's the only time I can process my day. I really need to debrief."

• You: "I hear that. What if we scheduled 7-7:30pm as dedicated talk time, and then shifted to other stuff? Or would it work to do that over lunch on weekends?"

Notice: You're holding your need (no work talk late) while genuinely problem-solving together.

4. Boundaries Require Following Through

The boundary isn't just the statement—it's actually doing what you said. If you say you'll leave the room when someone yells, you have to actually leave. If you say you're only available for 20 minutes, you have to actually stop at 20 minutes. Otherwise, you're teaching the other person your boundaries don't mean anything. This is often where people struggle—they state boundaries but don't follow through, then feel resentful that boundaries "don't work." The boundary is the action, not just the words.

5. Stay Connected While Boundaried

This is crucial: boundaries should maintain connection, not create distance. Your tone matters. "I need to end this conversation" said with warmth and care is different from the same words said with coldness and rejection.

Practice: When setting boundaries, add connection:

• "I'm going to stop you there—not because I don't care, but because I want to be fully present and I can't right now."

• "I need some alone time to recharge, and then I'd love to hear about your day over dinner."

• "I'm turning off my phone for the next hour for focused work time. Looking forward to catching up after."

Limits in Practice

Limits are about protecting yourself from genuinely harmful behaviour. They're what you'll do if someone continues behaviour that crosses important lines. They should be used sparingly—only when boundaries haven't worked or behaviour is serious enough to warrant immediate consequence.

Example 1: Disrespectful Communication

Boundary (try first): "When the conversation gets heated, I'm going to take a break. I want to work this out, and I need us both calm."

Limit (if boundary doesn't work): "I've asked you to stop name-calling, and it's continuing. If it happens again, I'm going to leave for the evening. I care about you and I won't stay in conversations where I'm being called names."

Notice: The limit includes consequence (leaving for the evening) and is deployed only after the boundary (taking a break) hasn't been respected.

Example 2: Substance Use

Boundary (try first): "I'm not comfortable being around heavy drinking. When you're drinking, I'm going to do my own thing and we can connect tomorrow."

Limit (if behaviour continues/escalates): "Your drinking has reached a point where it's affecting our family. I need you to get an assessment and engage with treatment. If you're not willing to do that, I'm going to stay at my sister's with the kids until you are."

Notice: This is serious behaviour warranting a serious limit. You're not controlling whether they drink—you're being clear about what you'll do if it continues.

Example 3: Breach of Agreement

Boundary (try first): "We agreed on a budget for discretionary spending. I'm going to stick to my limit and trust you to do the same."

Limit (if agreement is repeatedly broken): "You've gone over budget three months in a row without discussion. I need to see you stick to the budget for two months, or we'll need to separate our accounts and split household expenses differently. I'm not willing to continue with shared finances if agreements aren't kept."

Notice: The limit has specific terms (two months, consequence of separating accounts) and is deployed after multiple violations.

Example 4: Emotional Abuse

Boundary (might try first, depending on severity): "When you mock my appearance, I'm leaving the conversation. That's not okay."

Limit (if severe or pattern continues): "The pattern of verbal attacks is damaging our relationship. I need you to start couples therapy with me and see individual therapy for anger management. If you're not willing to do that within the next month, I'll be consulting with a divorce attorney."

Notice: Some behaviour warrants going straight to limits, especially if there's a pattern. You're protecting yourself with serious consequences.

Developing Effective Limits

Limits are harder than boundaries because they require you to follow through with consequences that are often difficult for both people. Here's how to do it well:

1. Use Limits Sparingly

Limits should be reserved for genuinely problematic behaviour—things that harm you, violate agreements, or are destructive to the relationship. Don't jump to limits when boundaries would work. Overuse of limits makes everything feel high-stakes and creates an adversarial dynamic.

Ask yourself: "Have I clearly stated what I need and given them opportunity to respond? Or am I going straight to consequences?"

2. Make Limits Clear and Specific

Vague limits don't work. "I won't tolerate disrespect" is too broad—what counts as disrespect? What will you do? Be specific: "If you call me names again, I'll leave for the evening. If it becomes a pattern, I'll insist on couples therapy or I'll move out."

The other person should know exactly:

• What behaviour triggers the limit

• What consequence you'll enforce

• What would need to change for the consequence to be lifted

3. Make Sure You Can and Will Follow Through

Never set a limit you can't or won't enforce. If you say "If you do that again, I'm leaving" and then don't leave, you've taught them your limits are empty threats. This makes future limits ineffective and erodes trust.

Before stating a limit, ask yourself: "Am I actually willing and able to do this consequence? What would prevent me?" If there are barriers (financial, logistical, emotional), address them first or choose a different consequence.

4. Limits Come From Love, Not Punishment

This is critical: limits should be deployed to protect the relationship and yourself, not to punish the other person. The spirit is "I care about you and about us, and this behaviour is damaging both. I'm not willing to continue in these conditions."

If you're setting limits from a place of vengeance or to make them suffer, pause. That's not a limit—that's retaliation, and it won't create the outcome you want.

5. Be Prepared for Escalation

When you first enforce limits, especially if you haven't before, things often get worse before they get better. The other person may escalate, test whether you're serious, or express anger. This is normal. Stay calm and follow through.

Example: You say you'll leave if they raise their voice. They raise their voice. You start to leave. They say "Fine! Leave! You always run away!" You leave anyway. This is them testing the limit. If you stay, you've taught them the limit isn't real.

The Dance Between Boundaries and Limits

In healthy relationships, you mostly use boundaries. Limits are rarely needed because both people are responsive to boundaries. But everyone needs both skills:

The typical progression:

1. State your need/boundary: "I need us to discuss financial decisions over $200 before making them. I'm committed to doing that on my end."

2. If not respected, restate with more clarity: "I notice you bought that expensive item without discussing it. I'm concerned. Can we talk about how we want to handle this going forward?"

3. If pattern continues, introduce a limit: "This has happened three times now. I need it to stop. If it happens again without emergency circumstances, I'm going to open a separate account and we'll split expenses rather than sharing finances. I don't want to do that, and I need to know we can keep agreements."

4. Follow through if necessary: If it happens again, you actually open the separate account. Not as punishment, but as the consequence you stated.

Notice the escalation from boundary (managing your own behaviour) through warnings and clarity to limit (consequence for their behaviour). Good relationships rarely reach step 4 because steps 1-3 work.

Common Pitfalls

Pitfall 1: Using "Boundary" Language for Control

When you say "My boundary is that you need to..." you're trying to control their behavior. Reframe: What will YOU do? That's the boundary.

Controlling (not a boundary): "My boundary is you need to text if you'll be late."

Actual boundary: "I get anxious when I don't know your ETA. I'm going to start assuming you're safe and proceeding with my evening if I haven't heard by 6pm. A quick text helps me plan—no explanation needed."

Pitfall 2: Not Following Through

Stating boundaries or limits you don't enforce is worse than not stating them. It teaches people you don't mean what you say and erodes trust.

If you consistently can't follow through, the issue isn't them—it's that you're setting boundaries/limits you're not ready for. Scale back to what you can actually do.

Pitfall 3: Boundaries as Passive-Aggressive

Boundaries shouldn't be punishment disguised as self-care. "Since you didn't do the dishes, I'm 'setting a boundary' by not cooking dinner" is retaliation, not a boundary.

Boundaries are about sustainable functioning, not tit-for-tat. If you're setting a boundary to make a point or get revenge, pause and examine your motivation.

Pitfall 4: Too Rigid or Too Flexible

Some people set rigid boundaries that don't accommodate life's complexity. "I said I need the house quiet after 8pm" becomes unreasonable when your teenager is having a crisis at 9pm. Boundaries can be adjusted for good reasons.

Others are too flexible and constantly compromise their needs until they're depleted. If you're perpetually making exceptions, your boundary isn't serving you.

Pitfall 5: Expecting Mind-Reading

Don't expect others to respect boundaries you haven't clearly stated. "They should know I need space in the morning" isn't fair if you've never said so. Clarity prevents resentment.

Gender and Boundaries/Limits

Real's work acknowledges that gender socialization affects how people relate to boundaries and limits:

Women are often socialized to be accommodating and to prioritize others' needs. They may struggle to set boundaries at all, or frame necessary limits as boundaries to avoid seeming "difficult." The work is often giving yourself permission to state needs clearly and to enforce consequences when needed.

Men are often socialized to not have emotional needs or to meet needs through control rather than vulnerable requests. They may set limits too quickly (jumping to consequences) without first trying boundaries (stating needs). The work is often learning to express needs vulnerably and to use boundaries more, limits less.

Everyone benefits from understanding both tools and when to use which. The goal is flexibility—boundaries most of the time, limits when truly necessary.

Practical Exercises

Exercise 1: Boundary Audit

List areas where you feel resentful or stretched thin. For each, identify:

• What you actually need (not what others should do)

• What boundary would honour that need

• What you'll do to maintain the boundary

Exercise 2: Reframe Limits as Boundaries

Take statements like "My boundary is that you can't..." and reframe: "When you [behaviour], I will [your response]."

Practice until this becomes natural. You're identifying your power (your response) rather than trying to control theirs (their behaviour).

Exercise 3: Follow-Through Practice

Start with small boundaries and practice following through consistently. "I'm only checking email twice a day" or "I'm taking 10 minutes to myself when I get home." Build the muscle of doing what you say.

Exercise 4: Limit Identification

Identify genuinely problematic behaviours that would warrant limits. Get specific about:

• What exactly crosses the line

• What consequence you'd actually enforce

• What support you'd need to follow through

Don't state limits you're not ready to enforce. But do clarify for yourself where your actual lines are.

Conclusion: Taking Back Your Power

Understanding the difference between boundaries and limits returns power to where it actually is: your choices. You can't control others' behaviour (limits acknowledge this—you can only control consequences). But you can control your own behaviour (that's what boundaries are).

This shift from trying to change them to managing yourself is liberating. You're no longer waiting for them to get it right. You're no longer a victim of their choices. You're an active agent deciding how you'll engage, what you're available for, how you'll respond.

Boundaries, used well, preserve and deepen connection. They communicate "I want to stay engaged with you, and here's what I need to do that sustainably." Limits, used sparingly and clearly, protect you from genuine harm while giving the other person clear information about what's not okay.

Both are essential. Both are acts of care—for yourself and for the relationship. The confusion between them has caused countless relationship problems. The clarity about them offers a path forward: managing yourself skillfully, protecting yourself when necessary, and building relationships where both are rarely needed because both people are responsive and respectful.

That's the goal: relationships where your boundaries are respected and your limits are rarely tested. Where you can state what you need and be heard. Where consequences are clear but seldom enforced because behaviour doesn't cross those lines. Where both people are doing the work of managing themselves in relationship rather than trying to manage each other.

It starts with understanding the difference, getting clear about what you actually need, and having the courage to follow through. Your boundaries teach people how you function best. Your limits teach people what you won't accept. Both are essential communications. Both require you to take yourself seriously first.