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  • Writer's pictureCayla Townes

The Relationship Between Perfectionism and Shame: Understanding the Impact‍

Updated: Jun 12


In our pursuit of success and achievement, many of us strive for perfection. We set high standards for ourselves, aiming to excel in various aspects of our lives. While this drive can be a positive motivator, it can also have its drawbacks. Perfectionism, when taken to an extreme, can lead to feelings of shame and inadequacy. In this article, we will explore the complex relationship between perfectionism and shame, shedding light on how these two concepts intertwine and impact our well-being.


level perfectly straight

Understanding Perfectionism

Perfectionism can be defined as the constant striving to achieve extremely high standards that are demanding and often unattainable. It involves setting unreasonably high expectations for ourselves and measuring our self-worth solely based on our productivity and accomplishments. While having reasonable goals and standards can be helpful in achieving success, perfectionism takes it to another level. It becomes a relentless pursuit of flawlessness, leaving little room for self-compassion and acceptance.


The Pros of Perfectionism

At first glance, perfectionism may seem like a positive trait. We often associate it with high achievers who are driven to excel in their pursuits. When we strive for excellence, we put in the effort and challenge ourselves to reach new heights. This can lead to personal growth, increased resilience, and a better understanding of our strengths and weaknesses. Perfectionism, in its positive form, can be a driving force behind our accomplishments.


The Cons of Perfectionism

However, the downsides of perfectionism cannot be ignored. The relentless pursuit of unattainable standards can take a toll on our well-being. Perfectionists often experience a sense of failure, self-doubt, and constant self-criticism. The fear of making mistakes or falling short of expectations can lead to anxiety, stress, and even depression. The pressure to meet unrealistic standards can be overwhelming and can negatively impact our mental health


The Link Between Perfectionism and Shame

One of the key aspects of perfectionism that contributes to feelings of shame is the emphasis on external validation and approval. Perfectionists tend to place their self-worth solely on their ability to achieve and meet high standards. When they fall short of these expectations, they perceive it as a personal failure, leading to a deep sense of shame and inadequacy.


The Role of Unattainable Standards

Perfectionists often set standards that are impossible to meet, leading to a never-ending cycle of disappointment and self-blame. These unattainable standards create a constant pressure to perform perfectly, leaving little room for self-compassion or acceptance of mistakes. When perfectionists inevitably fall short of their own impossibly high expectations, they are left feeling ashamed and unworthy.


The Inner Critic and Self-Judgment

Perfectionists also tend to have a harsh inner critic. They judge themselves relentlessly for any perceived flaws or mistakes, further fueling feelings of shame. This constant self-judgment can erode self-esteem and create a negative self-image. The fear of being judged by others, coupled with the internalized self-criticism, intensifies the experience of shame for perfectionists.


Fear of Failure and Perfectionism

Perfectionists often have an intense fear of failure. They believe that any form of failure or mistake is a reflection of their inherent worthiness. As a result, they strive to avoid failure at all costs, which can lead to an avoidance of new challenges or taking risks. This fear of failure perpetuates the cycle of perfectionism and shame, as perfectionists feel the need to constantly prove themselves and avoid any hint of imperfection.


Overcoming Perfectionism and Shame

Recognizing the harmful impact of perfectionism and shame is the first step towards overcoming these challenges. Here are some strategies that can help individuals break free from the cycle of perfectionism and cultivate self-compassion:


Embrace Imperfection and Set Realistic Goals

It is important to recognize that perfection is an unattainable ideal. Embracing imperfection and setting realistic goals allows for self-acceptance and growth. By focusing on progress rather than perfection, individuals can learn from their mistakes and develop a healthier perspective on success.


Challenge Negative Self-Talk

Perfectionists often engage in negative self-talk and self-criticism. It is crucial to challenge these negative thought patterns and replace them with more supportive and compassionate self-talk. Practicing self-compassion and treating oneself with kindness can help break the cycle of shame and self-judgment.


Cultivate Self-Acceptance

Shame thrives in an environment of self-criticism and self-judgment. Cultivating self-acceptance involves embracing one's strengths and weaknesses, acknowledging that nobody is perfect. Recognizing that self-worth is not solely dependent on achievements allows for a healthier sense of self.


Seek Support

Seeking support from trusted friends, family, or professionals can be instrumental in overcoming perfectionism and shame. Sharing experiences and emotions with others who understand can provide validation and perspective. Therapeutic interventions, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy, can also be helpful in addressing perfectionism and its underlying causes.



person running free with scarf in the breeze


Perfectionism and shame are closely intertwined, creating a complex relationship that impacts our well-being. While perfectionism may initially seem like a positive attribute, its extreme form can lead to feelings of shame and inadequacy. Recognizing the harmful impact of perfectionism and implementing strategies to cultivate self-compassion and acceptance can help individuals break free from the cycle of perfectionism and live more fulfilling lives. Remember, embracing imperfection and treating oneself with kindness is the path to true growth and happiness.



If you are struggling with perfectionism or shame and would like support trying to figure out how to deal with them, please reach out to me or another qualified mental health professional.



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